After everything I’ve been through with the spray tan technician whose IQ is in the minus category I tried to make lemonade out of lemons. But, HELLO!?? My headshots appear as though I was auditioning for a role on The Walking Dead. Which, if someone important is reading this, I am totally available and will be camera ready once I exfoliate fully. So contact me and I’ll make sure to be there on set one hour early!

The possibilities good headshots make are endless. I can be doing commercials and The Ellen Show in no time at all! Andy Cohen, here I come! All I need to get are new, perfectly skin toned headshots and then I can reproduce those pictures and pass them out to every agent of every boy band in every city in the world! See? Endless possibilities lay ahead of me. I truly need great pictures and… social media skills! Oh dear me, it’s back to that albatross around my neck. My old demon, Social Media. Like what? Twitter?! Hmmmmmm…. I have a phone. How hard can THAT be???

I walked in and instantly took the bait of spray tan and head shot special! I’m on my way to my head shots, but I hope he has a filter to tone down this tan. Let’s just say it wasn’t the one I wanted, but it was the one I could afford! Damn you Oscar nominations and expensive theaters! You just wait until I become famous and so I can save money and get those screeners in the mail. You just wait! Then I can spend my hard earned money on a better matching, more, how do I say it… realistic tan! I will, as God as my witness, never go this color again! All I can say is thank goodness I will be having a professional do my head-shots! What could possibly go wrong there? Professional lighting, cameras, etc. I just need to calm down and not sweat and make my tan color run onto my clothes. Boy Band fabulousness is hard!!!

Fred Phelps Funeral

I don’t know why but when I heard that Rev. Phelps was sick I wanted to start making protest signs. You know, like the ones he made when he protested Matthew Shepard’s funeral. Those hate signs. I didn’t know what signs to make so I asked a bunch of friends. Both of them gave great suggestions

But now that Rev. Phelps is dead I’m filled with mixed emotions. Wondering, if Osama has a new bunk mate, as well as not wanting to be as mean spirited as him and his family.

The Phelps family asking for peace and to be left alone to grieve is ironic to me considering all those families that Westboro Baptist Church protested, yelling that they were glad that this person or that soldier died. The sheer evil that stemmed from these people and their beliefs have certainly made the world aware of who they are and how much their God hates!

I’m choosing a different route. Gratitude! I am grateful for the lessons Fred taught us! He showed us how NOT to love! He showed us that IGNORANCE isn’t bliss. He showed us that small minds have tiny goals… and even smaller churches!

RIP Rev. Phelps. We will never forget you.

Okay, so the world is a lot meaner than I thought! So many mean things posted regarding my ideas. So FINE! This just means I won’t be bruising my finger tips with knitting needles or getting the crochet hook in odd places. I’m not giving up on my merchandising ideas. I just need to let them sit and stew. Like a fine wine that needs to ferment. Like cheese needing to age for better taste. Like mold that only grows when the temperature isn’t right in the refrigerator and you lose your favorite loaf of bread you bought in San Francisco and now it’s all bad and you have to toss it out with the fruits and vegetables that shared the same drawer.

Oh well, maybe I just need to stop looking so damn pale! THAT’S IT! I need a tan!!!

Okay, so I’ve been standing on the minion side of the red velvet ropes for quite a long time this awards season. And I’m about to bust a gasket! I cannot believe how easy it is to walk down the red carpet! I CAN DO THAT! And seeing how this last big awards was the Oscars I was in hog heaven watching all the actors, actresses and famous people strutting their stuff in front of me.

You can only scream George Clooney’s name so many times before security begins to gather by your side. And don’t even think about reaching across the rope to grab … eh … shake … Meryl Streep’s hand! As if I could hurt one of my favorite actresses of all time. Oh, the embarrassment of the seeing the red carpet up close and personal as the polite large, rather burly men dragged me by the feet to the back of the crowd. It took me a good twenty minutes to work my way back to the front! And when I did, the only ones on the red carpet were the clean up crew! Well, this will not be the last time I am here. I will be the celebrity Mid-Lifer if it kills me. And by the looks of my scraped knees, it just might (sigh).

Okay, so being the boy band member with the great hair didn’t all “fall” into place so to speak. But, there’s still one more I can try! I’ll be the trend setter! Yes, I’m wearing this skull cap with pride inside the house … where no one can actually see me! It’s because I need to get the feel of being the hippest member ever! Know all the trends! Sheesh, it’s hot in here! I’m sweating like a House Republican strapped to a lie detector in the Oval Office!

I know that if I look like a gangster … or is it gansta? Whatever, as long as I look the part. I know that like Lindsay Lohan & Amanda Bynes & other young celebs all I need to do is screw up in public. Have my total “Blow It” moment! Yeah, I can do it! I can look like I’m failing at adjusting to being in the publics eye! It’s sooooo much fun being bad!

Wait! Um … I’m a tad dizzy. Oh, I’ll be alright, I just need water … which I ran out an hour ago! Damn You drought in California! Oh well, I just need … to … hang … on………………….. (thud!).